I’ve been pregnant for 9 months now and it wasn’t until about a week ago that I actually believed I was having a baby. Sounds ridiculous right? I mean I’ve felt her kick, I’ve seen her chunky little cheeks on an ultrasound, & I for sure look very pregnant now. But even still I didn’t believe it. I just went everyday through the motions and honestly have been pretty negative throughout this entire pregnancy. I haven’t felt great and I for sure haven’t shown my gratitude for this because I genuinely didn’t believe I would ever bring a baby home.
I have a relationship with the Lord but there has been such a wall in my heart towards Him after everything that happened last year & losing our first baby. I knew in my head that God is good even in the hard but my heart just couldn’t believe it anymore. I think after walking through a lot of hard over the years I just struggled to believe that God could actually bring a good thing to me, besides unexpectedly meeting my sweet husband. We were quickly ushered into more hard as soon as we got married. I lost my joy, my smile, & myself in so many ways specifically over the last 9 months.
About a week ago I was sitting in our little girls nursery just rocking back and forth on an exercise ball feeling some inconsistent contractions listening to christian music. The song O Come to the Altar started playing and warm tears started falling down my face. I then felt the Holy Spirit’s presence more than I had in 9 months. It was in that moment that I realized a few things: Bringing a child into the world felt so spiritual to me, & the realness of becoming a mother felt more real than truly ever before. I couldn’t stop crying.
I know the Lord hasn’t been silent these last 9 months, instead my walls were so high I couldn’t feel His presence anymore. What a special moment to experience before our sweet babe arrives. I feel like I can finally say, Sonny your momma is so ready for you to be here. I love you my little Sonshine.
Psalm 127:3 “Children are a blessing & a gift from the Lord.”
With love,
Laramie